I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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