So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
