Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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