Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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