It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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