Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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