Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
