so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
