It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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