so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
