I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
