Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
