So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
