What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize