you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Also, beer. Big fan.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
