i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
