Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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