Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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