Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
