at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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