I'm drive I can fine osifer
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
