i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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