I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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