i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize