new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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