God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
