I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
