I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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