I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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