I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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