I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
