Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
