I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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