i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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