It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
