and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
