Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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