I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
