You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
