I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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