Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
