bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize