im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she told me i tasted like america
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
