If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
