You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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