my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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