I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
