My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
