Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
