just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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