I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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