I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
