I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
