If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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