Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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