Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
