If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
